That Can't Be Good
by Eyesuhkattspeleeng
Summary: Marianne Briscoe hates her life. It starts to suck even more when she gets hit over the head with a bat and wakes up at Hogwarts. Now she must travel to the Ministry of Magic to seek out Dumbledore. A Wizard of Oz Parody gone bad. SNAPEOC OCOC SNAPELILY
1. Down The Toilet

**That Can't Be Good. **

**SEX! TITTIES! VAGINA!PENIS!**

**Now that I've gotten your attention please read below for the disclaimer. **

_**Disclaimer: This is a work of Fanfiction. Please note that the only characters that are mine are the ones that I made up for this story. I do not own any Harry Potter, Wizard of Oz or Alice and Wonderland themes. Those all belong to their perspective authors: J.K. Rowling, Frank L. Baum and Lewis Carroll. **_

Chapter 1: Down The Toilet

Marianne Briscoe woke up one morning, looking forward to the first morning urination that was about to take place when she lifted the toilet lid and found a horrible surprise floating in the toilet.

It was not the usual horrible surprise that usually came with living in a house with two uncivilized cavemen that she called her roommates. This was no giant turd that refused to be flushed, it was something furry. It was also something dead.

She shrieked and slammed the toilet lid shut, hoping to God that she hadn't seen what she thought she had. After a few deep meditating breaths, she slowly lifted the toilet lid again, confirming her worst fear; her ferret, Sir Booger, was floating in the bowl, not moving a muscle. Marianne was sure that Booger was dead due to the fact that a small piece of fecal matter hung from underneath his grey tail that and he was slightly fatter than Marianne remembered him as being. She dug the dead mammal out of the water and laid him on the edge of the sink. She stared at him for the longest time, trying to figure out how it had happened.

The only possible scenario that she could come up with is that Thad and Brock, her two roommates, had gotten high the night before as they always did and had decided to get Sir Booger out like they always did. They liked to blow the sweet smelling smoke into the ferrets face to get him stoned so they could watch him do all sorts of things that were only entertaining to the most elite potheads. A sudden wave of guilt hit Marianne as she thought the two idiots forgot to put him back in his safe haven with his food dish and self dispensing water bowl. Booger had probably gotten thirsty and was looking for something to drink and the only source of water the poor thing could find that was reachable was the toilet.

The toilet seat had very loose hinges. The hinges were so unreliable that even the tiniest of taps on the wall from the next room would send it crashing down. This had happened more than once. When the trio had first moved in, they thought the place was haunted, but after further investigation they realized that this problem was caused by faulty mechanics. On one memorable occasion, Thad had been taking a leak and had dropped his cell phone on the ground and as he bent down to pick it up, trying not to break the steady stream of pee, the toilet seat closed and unfortunately Thad's penis had been in the way. Marianne had rushed into investigate upon hearing her roommates scream but was met with the sight of Thad sticking his dick under the sink faucet, desperately trying to wash the burning pain away. Marianne had never laughed so hard in her twenty two years of living.

But the drowned ferret that lay limp, wet and cold on the sink was no laughing matter. She briefly went over the stages of grief and since she'd already gotten past the denial and guilt stage, the anger stage was beginning to settle in. Just as she was looking for a scapegoat to take her anger out on, Brock entered the bathroom, ignoring Marianne, and began to whiz in the toilet. After he was finished, he blinked his bleary eyes and looked at Marianne, as though he were just noticing her.

"Now that you've gotten a preview, you want to take him for a test run?" he said, pointing at his member that Marianne trying not to look at. Marianne shielded her eyes as though his wiener was made of some shiny bright material.

"No, dickwad, I don't. Care to explain this to me?" Marianne pointed at the stiffened corpse that was once her pet ferret. Brock looked down and then jumped back, nearly falling into the bathtub and dislodging the shower curtain rod from its place.

"Sir Booger! No!" Brock cried as he jumped up and picked the cadaver and began to shake it. Sir Booger's head rolled into an unnatural position. "Live, damn you!"

Marianne snatched the furry little body away from him and cradled it against her chest.

"I found him in the toilet," Marianne started. "I've told you and Thad to put him back in his cage when he's done chasing his tail or what ever he was doing that you guys seem to like so much. Do you see why?" She thrust the dead ferret in his face, using it to make her point. Sir Booger didn't complain about being handled in such a careless way.

"Well, you could have just flushed him. I've flushed bigger turds before. This one time, me and Thad got high and Thad dared me to eat a whole pack of gum. They lied when they said that stuff sticks to your appendix. I sat on the toilet for about two hours, and I swear my asshole hasn't felt the same since. I shit a boulder. A fucking boulder!" Brock held out his hands to show Marianne just how big his dookie was, though Marianne really didn't care right then. "Took a few flushes, but it went down eventually."

"Brock, you flush gold fish that live for five days after you bring them home from the carnival, you don't flush a fucking ferret! A beloved pet at that!" Marianne screamed at him. Brock looked seriously offended at her tone.

"Are you on your period?" He asked suspiciously, shaking his dirty blond hair from his face. Marianne shot him a dirty look. "Cause if you are, I understand. I've got this huge stash of chocolate underneath my bed and…"

Marianne thrust the dead ferret in his arms.

"No," she said slowly. "I'm not on my period. MY FUCKING FERRET IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU IDIOTS!" Marianne tried her hardest not to punch every single part of Brock's body that she could get her hands on. She flung the toilet lid down and sat down, burying her head in her knees. Marianne knew that before the day had even started, it was going to be a bad one. "I knew I should have left a spare water bowl lying around," Marianne groaned. She looked up towards the bathtub where the shower curtain was laying lamely in the bathtub. Then she noticed her razor. She picked it up and examined it. There was rough curly hair clogged in the cartridge. Just then Thad walked in to the room to join their "party."

"Hey Booger," Thad said, scratching the ferret on the head in Brock's arms, not realizing Sir Booger was wet and…well…dead. "Oh, hey Marianne, I hope you don't mind but I used your Venus to shave my balls. I had this girl over last night, the biggest freak in the world, she said that it would give me a better shave then mine would." Thad pulled down his pants and showed Marianne his bare balls. Marianne let go of the pink razor, sending it clattering to the floor. Marianne stood and faced her two roommates, trying not to get extremely angry at their cluelessness.

"I have to go to work. I want one of you to wake your lazy ass up and dig a hole in the front garden so we can give Booger a proper burial." She took the cadaver from Brock and picked up one of her face towels, wrapping Booger in it. She opened the cabinet under the sink and placed him there. "Don't FUCK with him AT ALL! Do you understand?"

Thad who looked confused, looked down at his hand and then at Marianne.

"Booger is dead?" Thad asked her, his eyes wide with shock.

"Yes, Thad, Booger is dead."

"EW! I touched him!" Thad turned on the hot water in the tub, not really caring that the shower curtain was in the way and began to scrub his hands with Marianne's expensive body wash that Leon, her boyfriend and boss, had given her for Christmas. Marianne thought it was best to leave right then before one of them did or said something else that would make her want to kill the both of them in a very violent fashion.

---

Marianne tried her hardest not to fall asleep in her cubical. It had been a very trying day. Her car wouldn't start and when she did finally manage to get it started and was on her way, a cop had pulled her over for going too slow and had given her a ticket for the expired tags that she had told Brock to go take care of while she worked. She was just grateful it was a Friday and that her lunch break was minutes away.

When the clock finally struck two, Marianne hopped up and headed to her favorite haunt, a local café located right across the street from the stuffy office building she worked in. The hostess greeted her by name but did not bother to show her to her seat as Leon was already sitting at a table, sipping a glass of wine.

"Hey," she said as she removed her coat and sat down. She went to grab for the bottle of wine that was already half empty but Leon grabbed it from her.

"You still have to go back to work and it's against company policy to come to work intoxicated," he said, in his stuffy boss voice that Marianne hated so much. He instead filled her glass with water from a pitcher that was already sitting on the table.

"My ferret died," Marianne said, trying to sound sad rather than annoyed which is what she was. "I woke up and found him floating in the toilet, dead as a doornail. Tell me, how in the fuck does that happen?"

Leon shrugged and took a bite from his plate of pasta. Marianne eyed it hungrily wondering why he hadn't ordered for her as well.

"That thing smelled to high heaven. Hopefully your house won't reek of that over grown rat anymore," he said.

"Couldn't you pretend for a moment that you care about me and my feelings?"

"I do care for you; you know I do, Marianne. That's why I think you should leave those two idiots behind, move in with me, marry me," his eyes narrowed pointedly. Marianne rolled hers. Leon always managed to bring up the fact that he'd proposed to her many times before but she'd never given him a straight answer in a conversation. "settle down and have a family, maybe you wouldn't be stuck in the shitheap you call your life."

"I'm twenty two years old, Leon. I'm not ready to have a family yet. My ferret drowned in my toilet for godsakes, I couldn't even take care of him right, how in the hell do you expect me to take care of children properly?"

"My mother is getting impatient. She thinks that if this relationship isn't going to go anywhere that I should just break up with you and find some one else who's a bit more mature."

Marianne leaned in close and smiled sweetly at Leon.

"Your mother is a bitch, Leon."

"My mother is a smart woman, and sometimes I think she's right. Oh and I need to talk to you."

Marianne nodded her head slightly; he always needed to talk to her about something. Never mind her though when she needed to talk to him. Nope, he always needed to talk to her. There was no Marianne in that relationship; it was just Leon and only Leon. Marianne was just something he stuck his dick in sometimes to try and reproduce though Marianne was secretly taking birth control so Leon couldn't purposely get her pregnant so he could tie her down and control the rest of her life. Marianne wondered faintly why she was still in this relationship even though she'd been unhappy from the very beginning of it.

"I have to let you go," he said as though it seriously pained him. Marianne just stared at him.

"You're dumping me?"

"No, I'm firing you."

Marianne's heart sank. If he was dumping her, it wouldn't have been so bad, but he was firing her. He was cutting off her source of money. The only source she had. The two morons wouldn't get jobs so she was the provider in their messed up little house hold.

"Please don't do this to me, Leon. PLEASE!"

Leon shrugged his large, manly shoulders at her and smiled sadly at her.

"I've been getting a lot of complaints about you. Your paper work is never filed right, you're rude on the phone, and you fall asleep at work…you just don't seem…well…how do I put this delicately…motivated."

"Motivated?" Marianne was on the brink of hysteria. She had been able to put up with a lot of criticism, but this was another matter. "You try working a dead end job for three years of your life, with out promotion, with out a raise and see if YOU feel fucking motivated!"

"I've told you before, I can't promote you and I can't give you a raise. People would start thinking that we were having an affair."

"WE ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR!"

Leon winced at her tone and looked around, hoping that no one was listening in.

"Everyone and their dog know it, Leon!"

"That's not what I meant," his blue eyes sparkled dangerously. "The other workers would think it was unfair."

"Leon, how can they possibly think it's unfair when the fucking intern makes twice as much as I do and gets better benefits?"

"Calla is very talented…" Leon started, but Marianne did not want to hear anymore. She wanted to take the pitcher of water and throw it in his face and leave. But, being the coward that she was, she just started crying, though not in an obvious, hysterical sort of way, but rather in a quiet, reserved way but it was just as pitiful. Leon reached across the table and patted her hand, trying to console her. Marianne snatched her hand away. Leon was NOT a humanitarian, he did NOT care about her feelings, and he was just trying to make himself look good, like always. "This could be a fresh start for you, Marianne. If you were so unhappy with the job, you can find something better to do. That and we won't have to feel guilty about having an interoffice relationship anymore."

"I never felt guilty," Marianne said, trying to compose her self. She didn't want to get upset anymore in front of Leon. She did her damned best to make sure he was comfortable by making sure she wasn't human in the least. It was wearing down on her.

Marianne stood and wiped her eyes. She grabbed her coat but did not look at Leon. As she was about to turn to leave, Leon stopped her.

"I'll see you at my place tonight," he said, smirking a bit like he always did when he suggested something that was remotely sexual. Marianne stared in disbelief at him. He'd just fired her and he still expected to get laid? Well, he was extremely great in bed and despite the fact that their personal relationship was horrible, the sex was more than enough to make up for it. But still, as she stared at him and his rugged goatee and his slightly receding hairline, she wondered if she should. His sexy half smile was enough to make her melt right into her cheap whole sale high heels. God, he made her so sick sometimes.

"Yeah," she mumbled and walked out of the café, vowing to never return.


	2. The Pool Of Blood

Chapter 2: The Pool of Blood 

"And then he had the nerve to ask you to suck his dick?" Thad was asking, his blurry red eyes widening as far as they could stretch with out having to over work his eye lids. He took a large hit off of his blunt and stared at Marianne, wanting to hear the rest of her mind boggling story.

"He didn't ask me to suck his dick, Thad. I believe what he said was, 'I'll see you at my place tonight.' Not exactly asking for a blow job, but I knew what he meant."

Thad let out a low whistle. "I never liked the prick, but I'll admit that guy is suave. Like Rico Suave."

"I hated that fucking song," Marianne grumbled. Thad pushed his oily black hair out of his face and shrugged at her.

Thad had the kind of hair that always seemed to be in need of a washing. Of both of her roommates, Thad was the one Marianne preferred. He was fucking clueless but not ignorant like Brock, who Marianne had only a mild tolerance for.

Thad had once been extremely intelligent and had graduated top of hiss class and was Valedictorian of his high school class, but once he got off to college and met Brock, things had all gone down hill from there. He had dropped out his sophomore year of college to follow some band around the country in a van with Brock, smoking weed twenty four seven. Marianne thought it was a rather weird transition especially since Thad was majoring in chemistry and if he had graduated, he could have gotten work with any pharmaceutical company he wanted and would get paid top dollar for just showing up.

Marianne had met Thad at a bar and Thad, on a whim, had asked her out. Marianne, who was extremely drunk, had accepted and they both ended up at her place and Thad never left. Brock came into the picture a few weeks later, after being evicted and since Marianne and Thad were dating at that point; Marianne could not refuse to house her boyfriend's best friend no matter how much of an idiot he was. Shortly after Brock moved in, Thad and Marianne broke up, but remained friends and roommates, thus rendering them both single and throwing them out on the dating market. Brock had zoomed in on Marianne the second she and Thad made the mutual agreement not to be together anymore, so Marianne latched on to the first person who had asked her out, who happened to be Leon, who was causing her current predicament.

Marianne glanced at her watch. It read a quarter until nine. Leon expected her to show up at nine, and Marianne still didn't know whether she should show up or not. She looked up at Thad who was examining her through bloodshot, small eyes.

"Don't go Marianne. Stay here and smoke. We can get Booger out and I can show you the trick I taught him," Thad said, and held out the blunt to her.

"Booger is dead, Thad. We buried him when I got home from work. You dug the hole, remember?"

"Oh, that's right," Thad said, frowning slightly. "I smoked a few bowls before hand and I can tell you from first hand experience that this shit will make you forget all your troubles."

"Like digging a ferret sized hole in the front garden?"

Thad smiled widely at her, "My point exactly."

Marianne was not into the whole weed scene like Thad and Brock were, but she indulged every once in a while. She considered Thad's offer; if she stayed and smoked with him, she would feel at home and comfortable whereas if she went over to Leon's place to fuck, she'd get a lot of pleasure but she'd leave feeling empty and used.

"I dunno, Thad. I'm going to have to go job hunting pretty soon and most places do drug screenings. Any respectable place, that is."

"Stop being such an adult for once, Marianne. If anyone needs a break from the real world, it's you. I'll go out and buy you a cleaning kit if I have to. Just do me this one favor and get stoned off your ass."

Marianne could not argue with this logic so she took the already half smoked blunt and took a large, much needed hit off of it.

Thirty minutes later the blunt was reduced to ash and smoke and Marianne was feeling much lighter and was laughing at something Thad had said though she wasn't quite sure what he had said. Once she was able to contain her laughter, she noticed the distinct absence of Brock who was sure to show up if he even caught a whiff of the sweet smell of marijuana.

"Where's Brock," Marianne asked, though she was rather glad he wasn't there to ruin her good mood which was already vulnerable.

"Some chick he met at some Head Shop called after two months and he went over to her place to hang out," Thad said as he lit some incense. Marianne made a face.

"What kind of girl would want to hang out with Brock?"

"I guess the kind that forgets she has his number for two months," Thad said with a serene grin. "Why, do you want him here or something? Am I boring you with my witty candor about life in general? Do you not like being alone with me?"

Marianne so stoned by that point that she didn't realize that he was joking with her. She thought she offended him.

"No, I'd much rather be with you than anywhere else," she said, hoping to prove her point. Thad waggled an eyebrow at her.

"So, there are some pent up feelings about me in there," Thad said as he poked her. Marianne blushed, she couldn't help it.

"No, you're still a lowlife loser and therefore undatable."

"Wanna fuck?"

"You're sounding like Brock," Marianne said with a laugh.

"I was serious," Thad said. Marianne quit laughing and stared, completely horrified. But the idea didn't seem so bad. This was her loser roommate who couldn't pay rent on a paper bag. But she was high, and had lost her inhibition. She'd like to forget Leon, her job that she didn't have anymore, even if it was for a short while.

"K," was all she said.

"Very cool," Thad said and got up from the couch to help Marianne off the floor. She allowed him to lead her to his bedroom which was surprisingly organized for a pothead. His bed was even made and she felt a little bad that she was going to mess it up. He shut the door quietly and just stared at her. Marianne blushed; she wasn't sure if this was a good thing. Finally, after she'd had enough of Thad's staring, she said, "What's your issue? "

"Nothing, I just like trying to a picture a woman naked before she is. Makes the experience much more delightful."

"You're so fucking weird, Thad."

He said nothing but turned to his stereo, fiddled around with the knobs a bit before a song that Marianne faintly recognized started blaring from the speakers. The beat was rather heavy and the tune was so catchy Marianne felt the annoying urge to start shaking her ass. She ignored this temptation to save herself from embarrassment.

"Like Glue Sean Paul?" She asked, a bit surprised.

"I know, the song is kind of lame but I like the tune. I've always wanted to screw to it," he said, shrugging. Then he started towards her, making Marianne feel slightly uneasy, but the feeling instantly dissipated as Thad placed a light kiss on her forehead and then another on her cheek. He lifted her chin and stared into her eyes, searching them. "You know, Marianne, this is just a pity fuck. Don't go developing feelings for me."

Marianne rewarded his comment with a punch on his arm and said, "As if I would, shithead." And then she laughed, sort of half way glad that she was about to fuck Thad rather than Leon. If she was going to fuck anyone in such a vulnerable state, she'd rather it be with some one who hadn't fired her and made her feel bad about herself.

Thad started kissing her again in random places on her face, but every time she tried to kiss him on the lips, he'd duck away to kiss her somewhere else. By the third time this happened Marianne grew frustrated. He could sense her aggravation so he hoisted her up, dumped her on the bed and then kissed her roughly on the lips. Before Marianne could respond, her cell phone started to ring from her pocket. She jumped a foot in the air, the vibration startling her. Thad hopped off of her as she fumbled to get it out of her pocket.

"Shit," she said as she read the number. "It's Leon."

"Oh, allow me," Thad said, looking a bit angry. Marianne was too scared to think straight so she handed the phone to Thad.

"Allo?" Thad answered in a deep accent. "No you haff ze wrong number." He paused for a second and covered the mouth piece with his hand. "Are you ze Marianne zat zis man eez demanding to talk to?"

Marianne stifled a giggle and took the phone from Thad. She pressed a button on the phone and suddenly Leon's voice filled the air.

"Let me talk to her Thad," Leon demanded. "I mean it, let me talk to her or I'll make sure that you never speak again."

"No can do, Leon my man. Marianne is currently busy at the moment. You wouldn't be able to understand her anyway. She's got my cock in her mouth."

"I'll have your fucking balls, Thad," Leon roared. Marianne covered her ears.

"Nope, I'm sorry, bro. They're occupied at the moment." Thad grabbed the phone and closed it shut, hanging up on Leon just as he was about to call Thad a piece of maggot shit. Thad ripped the back of the phone open and tore the battery out.

"I'm sorry, Thad," Marianne whispered, but she was smiling widely. Thad grumbled something but he wasn't smiling. Marianne grabbed his arm and he looked at her. "Thanks for that, seriously. "

"He's an asshole," Thad muttered. "I want to kick his ass."

"If you still wanna fuck, I'm game," Marianne said. Thad shook his head.

"Fucking you would be like fucking him," Thad said, grimacing a bit. Marianne had to laugh at this though it was slightly offensive. But rather than taking his words to heart, Marianne gently pushed him into a laying position and climbed on top of him. "Marianne, don't," he protested, but Marianne ignored him and tugged his Grateful Dead T-shirt off. He didn't fight her especially when she started to unbutton her blouse; he in turn started to help her, fumbling a bit with buttons because he was shaking and breathing hard.

"Relax, Thad. It's just me," Marianne said, bending over him and began to kiss his neck. She nipped at his skin lightly with her teeth and in response Thad drew in a sharp intake of breath, hissing as he let it out.

"Shit, Marianne, you're determined aren't you?"

"No, you drug me in here to fuck, and that's exactly what we're going to do."

"Brock is going to shit a brick when he finds out," Thad said and that was that. Thad had no more reserves about screwing his roommate and ex girlfriend and Marianne just didn't really care. It might have been the weed, but Marianne was sure that she'd never experienced an orgasm like that before and never had she been able to go any more than one let alone the two more she had. Really, Marianne thought before she drifted off to sleep next to a snoring Thad, she wondered why she hadn't done that with Thad much sooner.

---

A pair of blue eyes peered into the curtain and saw the two sleeping forms crunched up on the twin mattress. The owner of the blue eyes was not happy. One of the two sleeping forms was his girlfriend and as she rolled over, he could see that she was naked. Instead of getting mad, the man stalked off to his car and took off. He was going to go find an old friend who owed him a favor.

---

Marianne felt the covers being yanked off of her and for a moment it didn't bother her until she realized that she was naked. She sat straight up, confused by morning amnesia at first, but was immediately tackled by someone or something. At first she thought it was Leon as this person was kissing her neck in a way that made her think, "my god, that's nice", but she realized Leon would never wake up to start pleasuring her, that was her job. The feeling was so overwhelming she reached down and ran her fingers through the person's hair. To her horror it was slightly over long and a bit on the oily side. She looked down at the person wrapped around her body who was now kissing her breast to only be horror-struck by a mass of black hair.

"What in the fuck are you doing, Thad?" She groaned, torn between wanting him to stop and wanting him to continue.

"Well you, if you'll let me," Thad said and ran his fingers over her other nipple, causing her to shudder with pleasure. But she couldn't let this go on. The night before had been a mistake and she was already feeling guilty.

"Thad, stop, please," she said trying to push him off of her. When he pretended not to hear her, Marianne grabbed a handful of his hair and proceeded to pry him off of her.

Thad looked rather dumbfounded as she began to look for her clothes which were strewn all over the floor, mixed with his. He sat up and observed the spectacle with a bemused expression on his face. As she began to pull on her underwear, Thad said, "What's the rush?"

She turned it looked at him. It was sort of painful to watch him watching her, confused by her actions and sudden impulses.

"I have to go call Leon and apologize," she said simply and began to button up her shirt.

"Wait, what?"

"Thad, last night was good, well no I lied, it was fantastic but it was a mistake. I like you, you're my friend and all, but I really don't want it to go past that," she said, trying not to hurt his nonexistent feelings too much. If it was a blow then he'd just smoke a joint or something and be happy again. The guy lived for these moments when he had a real reason to smoke, and this made Marianne feel slightly less guilty.

"So that's it? You're just going to leave me here so you can go call that asshole and patch things up."

"You make it sound like I'm committing a sin against nature," she said as she pulled her slacks on. Oh no, there would be no guilt for him. If some one deserved her guilt it was Leon. She had dedicated herself to Leon, not Thad. She had cheated on Leon, not Thad.

"I don't get you at all Briscoe. The guy is an asshole, he doesn't think about anyone but himself, he treats you like an object and yet you still want to go back to him. What is it with women like you? Do you have to be six feet under before you realize that the guy is no good? How do you wake up and convince your self that you love him?"

Marianne didn't answer him but rather stared at him. Thad hadn't said anything that made that much sense since she'd broken it off with him. She knew Thad's father had been abusive towards him and his mother. It wasn't until Thad had ended up in the hospital that his mother found her reason to leave him. Thad hadn't seen his dad since he was twelve and as far as Marianne knew that was okay with him. But as she considered Thad, what she saw in his dark eyes scared her. It wasn't anger, it wasn't jealousy, but it was fear. It was fear for her.

"Thad, please," she pleaded, though she wasn't sure why. Thad's hard stare did not relent.

"Please what, Marianne? I care about you, you're my best friend, and despite what ever misgivings you have about me, nothing changes that. I love you and I just don't want to see you get hurt. I know you think I'm a worthless pothead and maybe I am. But you know, not having a job, it gives me a lot of time to think about things. I know you don't want to hear it but I'll do anything to keep you from going back to him. I'll even take you down to the city hall and marry your sorry ass just so you won't."

"Thad, please, not right now. I've gotta go pick up my pay check and then I've gotta go find Leon and apologize."

"I've only got eyes for you."

"Stop it! Just fucking stop right there, I mean it. Say one more word and I'll kick your ass," Marianne snapped. Thad hopped up and blocked the door way as she was about to rush through it. Marianne tried to dodge around him, but he was too quick for her. Just as she was about to give him a very painful blow to the face, he caught her hand and twisted it around her back. This made her angry and she thrashed about, trying to fight her way out of his grasp before she finally gave up, too tired to try anymore. Thad grabbed a handful of her red hair, not to hurt her, but to hold her head in place as he whispered lowly in her ear.

"Admit that you hate the guy," he said. Marianne started to struggle again and began to scream obscenities about him, but this didn't deter him. "Admit it, Marianne. I know you do or else you wouldn't bitch about him all the time. Admit that he will never make you happy. I know he won't. You know he won't and if you just say so, it will be out in the open and you won't have to feel bad anymore."

Marianne's screaming died down into sobs. This wasn't the best sort of intervention and she hadn't expected it, especially not from Thad. But it was a relief to let it all out. Thad loosened his grip on her and she fell into his arms, and he held her. He held her like she wanted to be held, she thought, but then realized this was way too sappy for her liking and that her life was not a fucking romance novel. So she sucked it up.

"I hate his fucking guts. Every time I see him I want to kick him in the fucking sac. It's a good thing I'm not living with him or else I'd burn the house down with him in it. There are you happy, shit for brains?"

"Very morbid Briscoe, thanks for that. But no, I'm not completely satisfied right now. I want your word that you won't apologize to him. That will only give him something to hold over you and so you'll feel guilty and I know you don't regret last night."

"No, I don't. And I won't apologize to him. I won't even see him," Marianne said with a sigh. Thad let go over and patted her cheek.

"Good," he said, apparently satisfied with himself.

"This doesn't mean that I'll come crawling into bed with you," she added darkly. "And I certainly don't want to marry you either. "

"Nah, I know. Go get your paycheck or what ever and we'll go out to lunch and maybe get high again," Thad said and picked a wrinkled World of Warcraft shirt up off the floor and pulled it over his head. He searched around for his jeans as he was only in his boxers, but before he found him, Marianne had already left and was out of the door.

---

Luckily for Marianne, Leon was not in his office or at work for that matter. Leon was the type of guy who took sick leave when ever he wanted to whether he was sick or not. His sick leaves lasted for two weeks straight at times. There had been a point when Marianne was positive that he'd taken off three days straight because he was cheating on her. He had a habit of going on week long sex binges that Marianne had her self taken part in more than once. Leon swore up and down that he had a case of the sniffles and the reason he hadn't answered his phone was because he lost it under the couch and couldn't find it. Marianne had convinced herself that she was only imagining things.

After Marianne cashed her check, she stopped by the court house to pay her ticket and took care of her expired tags. She calculated how much she had to save and decided that she had just enough to spare to have lunch with Thad. She called him up and told him she'd pick him up.

She never got the chance to have lunch with Thad or any one for that matter. It was too bad; she'd been kind of looking forward to it.

Just as she unlocked her car door, she heard the distinct whirring of a baseball bat and then everything went black. Marianne knew nothing more.

Well, that couldn't be good.

* * *

**You are feeling very sleepy...I'm going to count backwards from three and when I snap my fingers you will enter a new realm. A realm where everything is happy and nice...**

**3...**

**2..**

**1.**

** (Snaps fingers)**

** You will leave a review...you love this story so much you will leave a review to tell the author just how much...you NEED to leave a review...you will die if you don't...**

**:P.**

**Joking, but seriously, tell me what you think. I know, I'm angling here. **


	3. A Near Death Experience

**Chapter 3: A Near Death Experience**

"Oh the poor thing! She's suffered severe head trauma. Severus is brewing up the potion that will take care of the pain," a voice was saying in the back of Marianne's head. She tried to open her eyes but when she thought she had, she could see nothing. She panicked for a second, thinking she was blind but then blurry figures started appearing before her eyes. At first she thought the speaker was Sir Booger with a top hat on and that confused her. She reached out to touch him and was surprised to find that his fur was rather bristly and when she moved her hand down she felt skin. She sat up, a little shocked but was immediately hit with searing pain focused in the back of her skull.

"Fuck me!" She cried and lay back down. "What the fuck happened to my head?" She hadn't felt pain of that caliber since that one time she tried to masturbate after eating extremely spicy Buffalo style wings and had forgotten to wash her hands.

"We don't know," said a sour voice with a crisp British accent. "We were hoping you could tell us. Now sit up so I can administer this potion to take care of the pain."

"I don't wanna," Marianne whined. "It hurts to sit up."

"Oh for Merlin's sake…" The voice muttered. Marianne suddenly felt her self unwillingly lurch forward. This time she opened her eyes fully. Though her vision was a bit wobbly, she could see just perfectly otherwise. Before she had time to take in her surrounding, however, a vile liquid was being poured down her throat forcefully. It took a second to register that the bottle containing the liquid was floating in mid-air by its self. A little freaked out by this, she grabbed it and hurled it away from her as though it were trying to murder her.

"What in the fuck was that?"

She felt a hand grab her throat, and she cried out in pain which was coming from her head rather than her neck and was suddenly face to face with an angry looking man with dark, almost black eyes.

"That was uncalled for and you'd do well to learn how to respect other people's property," he growled.

"SEVERUS!" A shrill female voice called. "Unhand her!" The man called Severus either did not hear the voice or was ignoring it as he did not let go. "Unhand her I say!" This time he listened and let go of her. Marianne fell back on the pillow, gasping for air.

"I'm calling the fucking cops, asshole!" She screamed at the man. She was pretty sure she was in a hospital of some sort, but it was unlike any hospital she'd ever been in. For one, the walls were made of stone and there were torches, real torches with real fire, lining the walls. She was sure any normal hospital would be shut down for this as most hospitals would be facing serious charges from the Fire Marshall.

"I beg you to try," the angry man said. Marianne was serious about her threat however. She knew that her cell phone wouldn't be directly on her person so she looked over the side of the bed and sure enough a small basket lay on the floor with her belongings in it. Her purse, which had been rifled through and emptied (She made a mental note to check to see if all her cash was still in her wallet when she got the chance), was the only thing of hers that was not in the basket. She rifled through her junk and found her cell phone. She flicked it open and dialed the correct numbers. When she pushed send, however, the phone started beeping loudly and sparked in a horrible way, startling Marianne who dropped it instantly. When she was sure it wasn't going to blow up she picked it up and was annoyed to find that the screen had melted off.

"Goddamn crappy generic phone! I knew I should have gone with the Razor!" she mumbled and tossed it back into the basket. "I need to find a phone," she said out loud. "I need to inform the local authorities that some one has tried to kill me." She glared at the man called Severus. The others in the room, however, did not seem to pick up on the fact that she was indeed accusing Severus of this heinous crime as they all began talking at once.

"So this was deliberate?"

"Did you see who did this to you?"

"It was probably a rogue Death Eater!"

Marianne was far to distracted by the angry man. He seemed so familiar to her but yet it could not be who she thought it was. This man looked almost exactly like Thad, but it could not be him. For one, Thad hardly ever scowled so deeply it made him look constipated and for another, this man appeared to be wearing a dress of some sort. Thad would never wear a dress. Well there was that one time when Thad had decided it would be fun to try on Marianne's clothes once while he was high, but he would never wear them so seriously like this man was.

"You a priest or something?" she asked the man. He was wearing a crisp black set of robes and Marianne found it a bit peculiar. The man smirked cruelly at her.

"Yes, in fact I am. I've come to say a prayer over you before my other personality kicks in and kills you in a violent fashion."

Marianne couldn't help but feel that this man hated her. She hadn't even been properly introduced to this guy and he'd already tried to kill her and had insulted her intelligence. It sort of turned Marianne on but it infuriated her like nothing else.

"Tell me, then, do you sprinkle holy water on yourself before you fondle the alter boys or do you wait until after confession?"

The man lunged at her again but was held back by a tall severe looking woman and a rather dirty looking plump woman with messy hair. A small man that Marianne had mistook for her dead ferret earlier squealed as Severus was thrown in his direction by the two women. The small man was just barely able to duck out of the way before Severus was sent flying towards the ground.

"What is this place?" Marianne asked out loud. "I know this isn't your every day normal run of the mill hospital."

Everyone exchanged glances with each other and this annoyed her. This was the kind of thing that people did when they thought you were crazy or worse yet when there was bad news afoot and no one knew how to tell you that your father killed your mother in a homicidal psychotic rage.

"Oh shit, I'm fucked up on acid aren't I? That would explain the levitating bottle…"

The group, primarily made up of women, frowned deeply at her use of language. It seemed kind of weird that her acid induced hallucinations would interact with her and one another so…human like. If she wasn't fuck up on acid, it had to be something else, but what ever it was, it was some bomb ass loot.

"You mean to say you aren't a witch?" The severe looking woman's frown sank even further into her chin. "Oh dear."

Marianne had to laugh. This woman was a horrible actor. But she never knew that Thad could act so well. He'd once talked about trying out for a tooth paste ad but never went through with it because he got so high before hand he'd forgotten about the auditions.

"You got me, you guys. This is kinda like 'Scare Tactics,' isn't it?" She picked up what appeared to be a very large gravy boat and stuck her face in it, trying to find the camera she was sure to be hidden in it. "Nice touch with the OVERSIZED gravy boat. You really had me fooled." Marianne mimed drinking from it, putting it to her lips to the spouted tip and making loud gulping noises.

"That's a bed pan," Severus said. Under his breath he said, "Imbecile."

"What the fuck is that?"

"Well, besides being mistaken for a gravy boat, they're most commonly used for patients that are incapacitated and are unable to get out of bed to use the lavatory."

It took a moment to register that she was holding a portable, non flushable toilet to her lips. She instantly dropped it to the floor where it shattered to bits and pieces. She wiped furiously at her lips, trying not to wretch. The man called Severus pulled out a long stick from his robe and pointed it at the shattered remains of the ceramic bed pan. Marianne watched on as it began to repair its self. She blinked her eyes, not sure she had just seen what she thought she saw.

"How in the hell did you do that?" Marianne asked, her green eyes wide with disbelief. The man called Severus shrugged in a very Thad like way but it was less casual than Thad's style.

"Why don't you let my colleagues explain everything," he said. There was something about the way he said this that made Marianne want to slap him. He was patronizing her in the worst way. Marianne hated being patronized.

"I think I should explain it," the little man said. He was wearing dark blue robes, much like the ones Severus (Or Thad who had been abducted by aliens) were wearing only they were weren't so form fitting and made the man seem more relaxed.

"Are you a midget?" Marianne blurted out. This was one of her flaws. She said things to people with out thinking them over first and this was one of those times as the little man seemed to be flustered by her remark. He was sputtering incoherently. Marianne slapped her forehead. "Oh shit, I forgot. You like to be called a 'little person.' My mistake."

"Right well," The little man sputtered, plowing on despite Marianne's rudeness. "My name is Filius Flitwick. Minvera McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, Severus Snape," he said, pointing every one out as he said their names, "Are all staff members here along with myself. I'm afraid we don't know much about how you got here or where you're from, but you've been unconscious for two days. Another staff member found you in the forest just beyond the grounds and brought you here."

Marianne blinked blankly at him. What in the hell was he going on about? Would he just come right out and say it? It's not like she believed him anyway. She didn't much like children because they were small and crafty and she was rather biased against this man because of his height impairment, all though she knew it was wrong. All those sensitivity workshops she had to endure while she was working in an office setting apparently were not enough. The man seemed to sense her feelings as he turned around and gave the severe looking tall woman, whom he'd introduced as McGallbladder or what ever, a desperate look.

"You posses no magical power what so ever?" She inquired, her eye brows furrowed in disapproval.

"The only thing close to magic that I've ever done is gave a guy an erection, but some how I don't think that counts."

"I think I shall place a silencing charm on you. It's a pity it wears off after a few hours," Severus said.

"You people are fucking nuts," Marianne concluded. Or perhaps it was she that was fucking nuts. It was hard to tell some times. There were days when she felt completely insane and then there were other days were she felt as though she were the sane one and that everyone else was completely mental. That had to be some kind of mental disorder. "I'm sorry. I'm not three fucking years old again. I don't believe in magic." Marianne could almost hear crickets chirping what with all the silence. No one said a word, but Severus pulled the long stick again and muttered something inaudible. She slowly began to rise out of the bed and began to inch slowly to the left. When she was completely out of the bed, Severus flicked the stick and she fell abruptly to the cold stone floor. She stood up slowly and rubbed the back of her head. "Okay, so maybe it does exist. Theoretically of course. I'm Agnostic you know. So say it exists…it's obvious I'm not from here. I don't even know what fucking continent I'm on. How in the hell am I supposed to get home?"

"We don't know. Oh you're in Europe by the way," Severus informed her with a bit of a bite in his voice. Marianne hopped back into the bed and covered herself. She was fully clothed but it was so very cold and she suspected that it might be because Severus had probably come from Antarctica.

"If only Dumbledore were here. He'd know what to do," The tall woman said. "He's in London defending Aberforth in court once more."

"What are they charging him for this time," the plump woman asked.

"Didn't pass the sanitation inspection?"

"You know…I'm not sure. Dumbledore didn't say," the tall woman said, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

"Hello, I know I sound like an anorexic teenager here, but could we POSSIBLY focus on me for a second? What am I supposed to do? I wanna go home. Some how I don't think I can just take a plane," Marianne butted in. She knew she hadn't exactly given them a great first impression. She knew she didn't deserve their help but hopefully one of them would take pity on her.

"I don't know," sighed McGonagall. "That trial could go on for a while from what Dumbledore was saying. I guess we'll just have to wait and see."

"No. I don't want to stay here. I'll go find him myself if I have to. You all have been nice and all but I've gotta get home. I can't stay here. My roommates will tear my house apart if I'm not there and I won't get the deposit back!" Marianne suddenly felt overwhelmed by the situation. She was starting to feel extremely homesick. She was even starting to miss Brock but most of all she missed Thad. Seeing a man that looked almost exactly like him did not help things at all.

"I'm sorry Ms. Briscoe," Severus said. Some one had been looking through her wallet, she thought. "Muggles, that is to say, non magical people can not just waltz into the Ministry of Magic."

"Then come with me," Marianne said, too desperate to realize exactly what she was implying. "Take me there. I have to get out of here."

Severus made a disgusted face at her.

"No thank you. I find you annoying and I feel I might have to commit homicide if I trot off on an adventure with you."

"Some one else then! Please, I'm begging you!" Marianne decided that a few tears couldn't hurt anything so she collected every single depressing thought she'd ever thought of and they came rolling out of her tear ducts in liquid form. How very frustrating. It felt as though she had traveled back in time about a hundred years.

Everyone looked at each other, hoping to find an answer amongst them selves, but Marianne knew it just was not that simple. McGonagall stepped forward and sat down on the edge of the bed and shook her head gravely at Marianne.

"If I thought that it would be that easy, I'd let you. But it's extremely dangerous in our world for some one like you. People might try and take advantage of your magical impairment. None of us, excluding Severus, are able enough to protect you and to make sure you're safe. This is the safest possible place for you to be right now and not only that but magically transporting a muggle is almost impossible not to mention dangerous. "

Marianne was stuck. When Marianne was feeling cornered and alone she cried. This was the reason why she buried her face in her hands and began to sob. No, it wasn't a pretty sight at all. Marianne was not a graceful crier. She was nothing compared to the beautiful soap opera actresses that made crying seem beautiful and passionate. Crying made Marianne look like a drowned…ferret. The displeasure of seeing Marianne cry was probably the reason why Severus Snape stepped forward and said, "Oh for the love of Merlin. I'll take you to Dumbledore."

Oh, well, now he was a martyr. Marianne did not like the idea of traveling with this man at all, but it was better than being stuck in a world in which she did not belong.

"The sooner we get her out of here the sooner we'll be rid of her," Severus said to his colleagues. Marianne jumped up and went to gave him a large hug, but he moved out of the way looking as though he'd rather be covered in honey and have fire ants crawling all over him. Marianne sobered up and tried to look as grim as he did, as though she'd rather be anally raped by a very large PVC pipe then travel with him. "Tomorrow, I want to leave as soon as possible. It's a long journey and as we cannot travel magically I need to prepare."

And with that, Severus Snape swept out of the room, mumbling to himself about idiotic redheaded muggles with more breasts then brains. Marianne looked around at everyone else who in return stared at her. After a few moments, a woman dressed in white shooed them all from the room under the pretense that Marianne would need lots of rest to recover from her injuries. Really it was because she'd observed the way the young lady seemed to make people feel uncomfortable. Poppy Pomfrey, the medi-witch, could honestly say that she would not miss Marianne.

* * *

**So do me this huge favor and review cause I'd totally be grateful for like ever. **

**Thank you to Hades' Queen and Ashesfalling, the two loveliest ladies on FFnet, I love you guys to like death. **

**Ah now it's time for your lovely author, Ms. Eyesuhkattspeeleng, to go take a nice big crap and then finish watching this episode of the Trailer Park Boys. Classy television, I know. **


	4. The Dark Pedicure

**Chapter Four: The Dark Pedicure **

Severus did not return immediately to his office to prepare for the journey that he was so keen on taking. No, he had other matters to take care of first. As soon as he was sure he was out of sight and ear shot, he pressed his wand to his unsightly and ghastly tattoo. He knew that his master would not be able to just appear in Hogwarts unannounced as it would cause panic and chaos. He was rather like an unwelcome guest, Severus mused, that people didn't want around but didn't have the balls to say it to his face. Poor Voldemort wasn't even aware that people didn't like him. It was really sort of sad. After Severus was sure that The Dark Lord was sufficiently warned of his arrival, Severus dashed to his office, found the Floo powder, tossed a handful in and said, "Malfoy Manor," loud and clear.

The room he had arrived in was very dark and devoid of any life forms but he glanced down a hall way and saw light coming from underneath a door. He approached it and knocked loudly twice. The door creaked open and Severus was met with the most bizarre thing he'd ever seen. Lucius Malfoy was sitting on the floor waving his wand as an air born emery board sawed away at the ghastly talons that grew from the Dark Lord Voldemort's toes. The Dark Lord himself was sitting in a plushy arm chair, his feet propped up on an equally poufy foot rest that stood firmly on the ground with legs that curled into delicate carvings. The expression on the Dark Lord's face was that of pleasure and relief but Lucius looked as though he might go on a murdering spree.

Severus tried not to scream aloud upon seeing his master's unsightly feet but rather bowed down low. He thought he might burst into laughter if he had to watch Lucius' angry expression for another second.

"My Lord," Severus started. He was trying to keep his breathing level and calm but the sight kept coming back and he felt as though his ribs might crack from trying not to laugh. "I come with information that you might find interesting."

"Oh," the Dark Lord said, his tone unreadable. "I thought that perhaps you were just stopping by for a visit. You know, just to say 'hello' or what ever greeting you kids use these days."

This was very odd behavior for the Lord Voldemort and Severus couldn't help but notice the change.

"Right," Severus said slowly. "There was a woman found earlier today in the Forbidden Forest, badly injured with no recollection of how she got here."

"A muggle?"

"We believe so, yes." Severus found himself getting annoyed especially when the Dark Lord admired his feet by clenching and unclenching his pale, grotesque toes.

"And this is useful, why?"

"She's a nuisance. I'm to take her to see Dumbledore but she cannot travel magically. You see why I find her to be quite bothersome…"

The Dark Lord considered this for a second with a very uncharacteristic tap on his chin. "Well, Severus, I've always said that you needed to network a bit and make more friends. You could get laid; we all know you need to get laid, Severus."

"But I feel she may be an immediate danger as her sudden appearance was both mystifying and there is no one who can explain it."

"You know, this is very odd indeed. You know how Lucius here spends most of his time at the Ministry?"

"I'm aware of his contributions to our government, yes." Severus wished the Dark Lord would stop beating around the bush, what ever that meant. Suddenly a very unsavory image of the Dark Lord wanking near a bush popped into his head and Severus shuddered and tried to think of something else.

"Well, Lucius can tell it better than I can. I always ruin a story, but Lucius here has a knack for storytelling. Go on, Lucius, tell him what you told me earlier."

Lucius, who was looking quite mutinous before, suddenly perked up.

"Oh yes. I was telling him earlier that I was speaking with our Minister of Magic and it seems that over the past few weeks there have been some unsettling events. I thought nothing of it because the Dark Lord has been causing trouble all over the country."

"I put toothpaste on every toilet seat in St. Mungo's," The Dark Lord presented proudly. "And didn't get caught."

"Anyway, the minister told me that there was a prophecy made a few weeks back about a young lady who would be 'displaced' and would interrupt the order of things."

"That is very strange," Severus muttered.

"I didn't think too much on it, because the truth of it is that most prophecies go unfulfilled. Take the Prophecy about the Potter boy."

"Pure bullocks. He vomited on me before I tried to kill him, you know. I thought, oh hey a baby! How nice! And when I went to pick him up the little shit puked on me! That stain never came out and those were my favorite robes. So I tried to kill the little bastard and the next thing I know I'm like this creepy ghost thing out of a Stephen King novel. I vowed to never have children after that." The Dark Lord looked angry and the emery board working so artfully on his toenails exploded into ash.

"That was my good file!" Lucius exclaimed, outraged. The Dark Lord ignored him, however.

"I don't think she is a threat to me, Severus."

"She is quite a bother on my part, however. I do not normally ask anything of you, but I feel that after years of loyal service you might be able to grant me a favor."

"I'm listening."

"I need to be rid of her. I don't care how, I just want her gone."

The Dark Lord made a teepee with his fingers and lowered his voice into a dramatic whisper. "Excellent," he said, narrowing his eyes and smiling creepily as he tapped his fingers together.

"I think I ought to remind you to stop watching so much muggle Television," Severus muttered.

"Why not? I need something to while the hours by. Lucius here doesn't believe in the advances of technology and I'm afraid things grew rather boring around here."

"I think what you just did, the "excellent" thing is a copy right violation."

"I own twenty shares of the Fox Corporation and have special permission to imitate any ominous villains from any of their shows if I so choose."

"But Mr. Burns is so unoriginal, my Lord. Perhaps you could choose a more admirable rogue to model yourself after."

"I've tried all the others. It was either Kelso or Mr. Burns and Mr. Burns seemed more….I don't know…Voldemortesque."

It was official; the Dark Lord's over inflated ego had finally reached its boiling point. He was inventing new words with his name in it. Then again, Severus had tried to spawn a disease and name it after himself, Snape Pans because it was a palindrome, when he was younger, but Voldemort already had already plotted mass genocide, what else could he possibly want? People were not going to forget him any time soon that was for sure.

"I don't know Severus. I usually leave it up to the Mafia to take out hits on some one, but she's done nothing to me as of yet."

"I beg of you, as a loyal, humble servant."

"Alright, I will grant you this one favor, on this, the day of my daughter's wedding."

"You just said you'd never have kids."

"I was trying to be ironic."

"It worked well, my Lord. But I'd like to point something out. Do you not find your behavior a little…off?"

The Dark Lord and Lucius both stared at him blankly. Severus found himself growing annoyed.

"The Prophecy…it said something about a young displaced woman who would disrupt the order of things…I would have thought that you'd be up to murder a muggle, my Lord. In fact, you rather seem to be embracing them. You've been watching television."

"Well, like I said. Things got boring around here. I found an old Rubix Cube stashed down in the basement but its perpetual mystification angered me so I found something a little more…suited for me."

"My Lord you were head boy at Hogwarts. You've gone where no wizard has gone before. Perhaps you should lay off the television for a bit. I think it's really getting into your head and slowing you down."

Severus was suddenly hit with an intense curse that sent searing hot pain down his spine.

"Don't you ever insult T.V. again!" The Dark Lord said as he towered above Severus' crumpled form. The Dark Lords nostril's flared grossly.

"My Lord, you'll mess up your pedicure!" Lucius gasped and helped his master sit down. The Dark Lord Voldemort glared down at Severus as he picked himself up from the ground, trying not to wince.

"Leave, Severus. I will take care of your problem when the time is right."

Severus bowed deeply and left, a little shaken by this encounter. The muggle girl had to die. There was just no getting around it. He figured he'd let the Dark Lord take care of it so it would not be on his hands as the Dark Lord had murdered many people before hand. While Severus was looking for immediate results, he knew not to push the Dark Lord.

Just as he was about to apparate away, Severus was stopped.

"Severus!" He turned slowly and came face to face with a red faced Lucius, who was wheezing and bending over trying to catch his breath.

"Good Lord, Lucius! That was barely even a few footsteps. You really ought to quit smoking those wretched cigars."

"I know, I've tried but nothing works. But I wanted to ask if I could come along on your journey."

"What ever for, Lucius?"

Lucius looked quite scared for a moment and turned his head to make sure no one was listening. Even in the dimly lit front room, his golden locks glittered, thought Severus, a bit jealously. Lucius bent in and spoke in a low whisper, "I've got to get away from him. He's driving me mad. Last week, he got a hold of a Time Turner that goes forward instead of backwards and he came back dressed in this ridiculous get up. Baggy pants, golden chains, large cheap sun glasses with his name printed on the lenses. And he kept doing this ridiculous dance called "Da Supaman." Do you know what sort of torture that is for me? Narcissa left last week after he called her a ho and threatened to sell her to in to the sex trade. She's staying with Bella at her vacation home in France. She said she'd rather put up with a bunch of rude, wine drinking assholes than stay in the same room with him. You have to save me, Severus. You're my only hope."

Severus thought for a second. Perhaps Lucius was on to something. Perhaps the Dark Lord's presence wasn't even needed if he had Lucius with him.

"We're just going to the Ministry, Lucius."

"All the more reason I should go. I might get a restraining order."

"Very well. Meet us tomorrow at Hogwarts gates. Do not tell a soul."

The look on Lucius' face was that of joy and relief and Severus feared for a second that perhaps he might give him a hug. Lucius, thank god, merely nodded his head and turned elegantly, making sure his long tresses flicked Severus' face before strolling off.

Well, Severus thought, it could be a lot worse.

XXX

Marianne hated mornings. She hated mornings even more when she was rudely awakened by Severus Snape who had taken it upon himself to cast a very bright light from the end of his wand into her face.

"What the fu-" She started, sitting up, ready to kill him.

"Be quiet, idiot girl! We don't want any one to know we're leaving! Get up and get dressed and collect your things. We haven't much time."

He left and Marianne heaved herself out of bed, wondering why in the fuck so was doing this again. She carefully got dressed but not before she sniffed her clothes. They were a bit stale, but they passed her standards though not by much. She wasn't sure what time era she was in, but she thought it was such a shame that the washing machine hadn't been invented yet.

Severus was waiting, well not patiently, outside of the infirmary, tapping his foot and scowling deeply. He did not say a word to her as he turned on one heel, and took off. Marianne, though as hard as it was, managed to keep up with his long legged strides.

"Beautiful morning, isn't it?" Marianne asked. She was trying to make conversation and mostly trying to make amends with this man because she didn't much fancy traveling with a man who looked as though he were not above killing small animals, tearing their heads off, eating them and then using their small pointy bones as toothpicks.

"Yeah, a beautiful morning for committing suicide," he muttered darkly but kept walking.

"What was that?"

"I said, 'it's a beautiful morning for committing suicide,'" he said as though he were talking to a rather deaf old lady with blue hair. "You know that old saying, 'Save time in the morning: use the toaster in the bathtub.'"

"Don't believe I've ever heard that one before." She stopped for a second, and Severus took a few more steps. When he realized he wasn't following anymore, he stopped, turned slowly and gave her a look that clearly said, "I should have gone fucking fishing." She stared at him, in complete disbelief that some one could be filled so full of hatred for her. Marianne hadn't harmed a single thing in her life, purposely, save for a few large hairy spiders that showed up in the bathtub over night, but even then they served their purpose of creeping her out fully so she did them a favor and got Thad or Brock to smash it with her high heeled shoe. They were retired anyway, what more did they have to live for? "I don't deserve your hate, okay? So could you at least pretend to be nice?"

"Ms. Briscoe, I'm no Shakespearian Actor. You couldn't even cast me to play in that John Water's atrocity, 'Pink Flamingos.'"

"For some one who lives in the sixteenth century, you sure do know a lot about toasters and films that came out in 1972."

"We're not in the sixteenth century, you mongoloid. We're in the twentieth."

"Oh, well I'm from the twenty first century. What's your zodiac sign, maybe we should hook up."

Severus threw her a look that clearly said, "Shut the fuck up before I backhand you, you worthless cum stain on a cheap motel room sheet." Marianne really needed to stop reading into things so much. It was unhealthy and rather degrading. Marianne decided that Severus was probably not a morning person and decided it best to not talk to him until he'd had some coffee. But she'd get to him yet. Even a man who had serial killer tendencies had to have a weak spot. She just didn't want to spend her little expedition with him completely miserable. She was so busy swimming in her thoughts that she was only vaguely aware of the portraits as they made their way down hallways and staircases that moved randomly. It didn't freak her out as much as it should have, seeming one time she fell down an escalator and ripped her skirt. It wasn't until she really looked when she realized that the paintings on the wall were moving. She stopped again and stared at a painting of a leprechaun as he smoked a pipe and stared right back at her.

"Top 'O the morning to you," he said, brightly. Marianne blinked not sure how to talk to a talking painting. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue missy?" He giggled and did a cartwheel but then fell down on the green grassy knoll he was painted on. He hiccupped and relit his pipe.

"Are you drunk?" Marianne asked.

"So what if I am? What are you going to do about it?" The little man dressed in green held his fist up in and puffed his chest out. Marianne knew it was stupid but she was slightly offended.

"You shouldn't be drinking if you're going to chase around a bunch of children who've stolen your marshmallow treasures."

"And what's that supposed to mean, you ma faced bitch?"

"Why don't you go home and beat your wife in a drunken rage and then go to confession you little shit," Marianne growled. Just as the little man was about to retort, Severus put a hand on her shoulder and pulled her away. So, maybe it was a little bit odd, getting into a fight with a painting of a drunken leprechaun, but she had been woken up in a horrible fashion so she felt extremely satisfied getting in the last word with something that didn't even really exist. Marianne was not one to back down from a fight. Well, except with Leon's mother, but Leon's mother was Satan in all her Mumu wearing, cheap perfume scented, cat smelling glory.

"So…uh…what is this place?" Marianne asked as they entered the Front hall, approaching the wide double doors that would lead them outside.

"It's a boarding school."

"And how do you fit into all of this?"

"I'm a teacher," he said simply and shortly as though it were obvious.

"You? A teacher?" Marianne asked, her voice skeptical. "Oh, those poor, poor children." She shook her head sadly as though she were attending a funeral of a redneck that'd accidentally caused his own death. Severus ignored her and waved his wand. The large doors began to slowly creak open. Marianne watched in awe as it was a very impressive site.

"Oh fuck me, tell me there's a draw bridge on the other side!"

"I'm sorry to disappoint Ms. Briscoe," Severus sneered and walked briskly through the doors. Marianne broke out of her trance when the doors started creaking shut once more and just barely made it through before they snapped shut behind her.

It was still dark outside, the stars were twinkling and it was extremely cold. Marianne shivered. When she'd been assaulted she'd been in jeans and a blouse, a very light cotton one at that, and hadn't needed a jacket as it was a warm and balmy day. She didn't see who had hit her and she was only vaguely aware that she'd been beaten half to death by a baseball bat. But for some one who had suffered head injuries she wasn't really feeling the long term effects. In fact, shouldn't she be lying like a vegetable still? Who ever had hit her had hit her with a good wallop. Besides a stiff neck, Marianne was feeling pretty healthy. What in the fuck is up with that, she thought.

Still she was really fucking cold.

"I'm really fucking cold," she stated, shivering. She was hoping he'd lend her that giant cloak he was wearing. That thing would keep her warm, she was sure of it. She was also sure it was probably made from the skin of innocent little woodland creatures. Innocent little woodland creatures never got cold. Severus merely grunted. Marianne scowled.

"Hey, pretty damsel in distress here! Throw me a fucking bone."

"What do you want me to tell you? It's not my fault that…" he stopped in his tracks and stared down at her. Through her white blouse he could see that she wasn't lying about being cold. It took Marianne a moment to realize that he was staring at her chest. She was a bit flattered. It always gave her great relief that when men stared at her that they were thinking sexual and some what psychotic thoughts because her mother had always told her that once her looks went, it was all over. Marianne always feared that she was ugly. Then Marianne realized why she only picked up the phone once a year to talk to her mother and always from a pay phone. Her mother was a bit touched in the head.

"You know," Marianne said with a deep scowl, though she was still flattered. "It's rude to stare at a woman's chest when she's standing right in front of you and can see where your line of vision is directed." Severus didn't seem to hear her. So Marianne did something that she knew would get his attention. She lifted her shirt and gave him a full view of her breasts and all their wonder. Marianne wasn't the shy type. "There, now you've seen them. You know what they look like so you don't have to marvel."

Her trick worked; Severus pulled off his cloak and tossed it at her with out saying a word. Marianne beamed for a second and wrapped it around herself. Instantly all of the brisk cold morning air was no longer stinging her skin and a relieving since of warmth sent shivers of pleasure down her spine. The problem though, was that it was extremely way too big for her and it made it difficult for her to keep up with Severus. She cinched the bottom up by gathering as much of the thick material in her hands so that it wouldn't trip her as she walked.

"You know, there is a hood on it," Severus muttered when he glanced back at her to see why she wasn't keeping up. Marianne wasn't sure what that had to do with anything, but she reached behind her neck anyway. She pulled the heavy hood over her head and cinched the material by the neck rather than at the foot. It balanced better that way, plus her ears were considerably warmer. As they neared the edge of the school grounds, Marianne could see a large gate that held them captive. Severus waved his wand at it and it too clicked open, creaking loudly. Marianne knew this time that it would not pay to stand and gawk as though she were a Japanese tourist at Disney World. "Now we wait," said Severus.

Marianne nodded quickly and stood back to take in one last view of the large castle. It was probably the last time she'd ever see it. She wished her cell phone weren't trapped in purgatory. She wanted to take a picture of it. But much to her surprise, there was not a castle but rather a dangerous looking, run down shack of a mansion.

"What happened to the castle?" Marianne asked, thoroughly disappointed. Severus looked perplexed for a moment, staring at her, then at the old shack and then back at her.

"Oh," he said after a moment. "You can't see it because you're a muggle." He said the last part with a smug superiority in his voice that Marianne did not like. Marianne decided not to retort, however, she rather ignored him. She studied him for a moment, wondering what could possibly going on his mind. She found that she rather liked his hooked nose. It was a unique nose, that was for sure, and it was one of the first things that you saw when you looked at him. It was better than being some one plain, with no distinction from every other person you passed on the street with out taking a second glance at. Of course, Severus Snape looked like the type of person she'd cross the street to avoid. His resemblance to Thad startled her and what perplexed her most was that when ever she noticed it, she felt a tiny pang in her heart. She missed Thad more than anything.

With out thinking she said, "You look like my roommate, Thad."

Severus merely sniffed but said nothing.

"If you want your cloak back, you can have it," Marianne said. She didn't want to give it back, but she felt rather bad about manipulating the sour man before her out of his cloak. She didn't even give a second thought to the fact that he might be freezing. "I won't show you my tits again. I promise."

Then, Severus did the most peculiar thing. He gave her a half smile and said, "No, it rather looks dashing on you. You look like a dementor."

"A dementor? If that means some one who's demented, I'm going to kick your ass."

"No," he said, shaking his head, his half smile still there. And then he chuckled a bit. "I forget how amusing you muggles can be."

Marianne gaped at him. Severus' eyes widened in horror as he realized he'd actually just chuckled and it was not an evil chuckle, it was a merry chuckle as though he were a loveable second rate character in a novel who only put in his input in a cheery manner. The thought made him shiver and die a little inside. The silence that followed was very awkward as though Marianne had just pointed out that he was exposing himself with out him noticing. In other wards, _very_ uncomfortable.

"I could show you my tits again, if it helps," Marianne suggested as she started to pull off the cloak. Severus grimaced and held up again.

"Stop. I have no desire to view you in the nude," he snapped.

"This is going to be a very long trip," Marianne said. "I can tell."

Severus couldn't agree more with her. He just wished Lucius would hurry the hell up so they could get on with it. No, the vain bastard was probably preening, making sure his beautiful mane was perfect.

Little did he know that at that moment, Lucius was trying to sneak away unnoticed by the unwelcomed guest who insisted on sleeping in the same bed with him because the unwelcomed guest insisted that he had nightmares if he slept alone.

It would be a long trip, indeed.

* * *

**Not the greatest chapter on earth, but still fun to write. **

**Any way, you should review cause it makes me happy even if you tell me my story sucks. Then again, I get off on abuse so it's not really a bad review. **


	5. To Go, Please

**Chapter Five: I'd Like A Little Moan to Go with that Bitch, To Go Please.  
**

The Dark Lord snored loudly beside Lucius as Lucius tried to move the long white arm that kept him pinned down to the bed. He stirred a bit, and Lucius feared for a moment that he might wake up, but his eyes remained closed as he rolled over and mumbled, "You naughty kitten! You shall have no pie!" His voice was angry and his breath was putrid. Lucius tried not to gag as the overwhelming scent of garlic, onions and spittle hit him directly in the face. Lucius mustered up all the courage and stealth that his person housed and slipped out from under his arm and rolled off the bed, landing on the floor with a loud thump. Lucius lay on his back for a few seconds, breathing heavily, hoping that his suave maneuver had not woken the slumbering beast. He rose slowly and peered over the side of the large bed only to be met by two red eyes, which were not like most people assumed, bloodshot, but actually red.

"Good morning Lucius," he said, smiling. Lucius shuddered. This was how his wife woke him sometimes when she wanted to get freaky. Early morning sex, Lucius loved it. But instead of his wife and all of her sleepy glory, was a monster he'd once worshipped as though he turned water into wine. Lucius doubted, how ever, that Jesus would intentionally cause car wrecks because he was bored.

"Good morning, My Lord," Lucius mumbled and stood all the way up. Lucius mentally kicked him self for being so clumsy. Since when was he clumsy? Hardly ever that's when, only when it was the most inconvenient, like just then, when he'd been hoping for a quiet, speedy get away. All he had to do was slip out of bed, grab the bag he'd packed the night before, take two steps off his porch and then he'd be gone. Just like that. But oh no, he thought, I just HAD to make it complicated for myself. Perhaps he hated him self and he was subconsciously trying to inflict pain and discomfort on himself. He supposed he'd have to bring that up at his next session of therapy.

"Going somewhere, Lucius?" The Dark Lord said as he stretched and let out a large shuttering yawn. Lucius knew he'd been beat; he had to tell the truth, which in fact, really did suck.

"Severus thought it might be a good idea if I accompany on his trip," Lucius said. He closed his eyes and held his breath, expecting to be killed at any given moment. But it never came. Lucius opened his eyes to see Voldemort smiling at him.

"Have a nice trip, then," Voldemort said and lay back down. He smiled conspiratorially. Lucius immediately became suspicious. That was it? Just a "have a nice trip?" No why? There was something fishy going on. The Dark Lord was biting his lip and shaking as he smiled, trying not to laugh. Clearly, Lucius was missing something.

"Alright, I guess I'll be seeing you then," he said slowly, and began to back towards his suit case. Right now, he didn't care what the Dark Tard was up to; he just wanted to get the hell out. Sure he was still in his sleeping gown, but that could be changed later. He picked up his bag and walked slowly towards the door, thinking for a moment it was all a trick and that the Dark Lord would stop him. Just as he suspected, as he approached the door, the Dark Lord burst into a fit of giggles.

"Alright! Alright! I'll tell you!" Lucius turned back around. "You know those movies with the black kid with the tall hair? The one where he's running from those mean guys and he sees that fat guy porking that one chick and he's like, 'AHHHHHH! SICK!'?"

Lucius merely nodded, gravely of course. Being subjected to such horrors had pretty much scarred him for life. He'd spent weeks lamenting over the loss of his inner child in therapy after watching all the muggle films that the Dark Lord had forced him to watch.

"I was just thinking the other day that I wish I had parents so they could leave town so I could throw a huge house party. I'd love to do one of those montage scenes where I just finish dusting off a vase as my parents walked in the front door."

"Your parents are dead, my Lord. You even killed your father," Lucius said, still not grasping the concept. He wasn't thinking clearly to say the least. The Dark Lord frowned.

"I know. But I thought maybe I could reanimate their dead corpses, you know, like putting on a puppet show."

"With all due respect, Master, that is sick even by your standards."

"I know," The Dark Lord grinned proudly. "But now you're leaving and I don't have to."

Lucius stood stunned for a moment.

"You're not going to…"

The Dark Lord merely smiled.

"I'm not saying anything because if you know then it won't be as much fun. So good bye Lucius. I'll 'hold down yo crib' for you."

Lucius left even more disturbed then he'd ever been. All of the sudden he did not want to leave. His house…his beautiful mansion…at the mercy of a psychologically challenged Hitler reincarnate (which was stupid because Hitler was alive when Tom Riddle, or Tom Tom da Riddler as he liked to use after going to a rap concert, was born). Narcissa would shit a brick if she came home and found her house had been ravaged. But Lucius was expected to leave now, so he did, regrettably.

---

And so it came to pass that Severus Snape the potions master, Lucius Malfoy the aristocrat and Marianne the magic challenged would travel together and have many zany adventures together. There wasn't a single happy person amongst the travelling group as they sat down to breakfast at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade to plan out their route of travelling on the first morning.

"So, there I was, my wedding night and I realized that I'd forgotten my enchanted mirror. The whole honey moon was ruined," Lucius complained as Marianne wolfed down a bowl of hot cereal. Severus merely poked at his eggs, a bit grumpy because he'd plainly asked for sunny side up and these eggs were certainly over easy. Honestly, how hard could it be to get an egg order wrong? There were only two ways to cook one really.

"You know, Lucius, you could have just bought another one," Severus replied snidely, annoyed by his messed up eggs and by the conversation in general.

"You don't understand, Severus. That mirror knew me. Do you know how hard it is to train another one?"

"A mirror is not a dog."

Lucius merely scoffed at Severus and turned his attention to Marianne who had remained suspiciously quiet. Severus wondered how long the irritating girl would take to overbear the wealthy blonde. It had only taken her three seconds with Severus. It would only be a matter of time before Lucius went crazy and iced the bitch.

"So, Marianne, is it? How do you keep your hair color so vibrant? I don't ever think I've seen such a shade of auburn before…" Lucius said. Marianne looked up and smiled awkwardly. It was clear that she wasn't sure how to respond to a man who was as vain as Lucius was. Lucius reached out to caress a lock and Marianne drew back instantly.

"I keep it sealed in an air tight container every night…"she grumbled. Lucius looked intrigued and Severus wanted to kick him in the groin. The girl was being sarcastic. Her tone was hardly mistakable. All those blonde jokes that Dumbledore liked to tell had more truth in them then Severus had ever realized. "And I especially don't let any one put their grubby fingers all over my head either."

Severus thought Lucius would take serious offense to this sort of remark. Every part of Lucius Malfoy was exquisite and nothing of his, including his fingers, were never described as grubby. But much to his surprise, Lucius nodded knowingly.

"Of course, " he said. "I could have guessed as much."

"On to more… pressing, matters," Severus interrupted Lucius before Lucius demanded a hair make over from Marianne. Lucius still gazed at Marianne's head as though it were the Ark of the Covenant. Severus could only wish that her hair and all of its glory would melt both of their faces. "As you well know, Lucius, we are not allowed to travel by magic. I was hoping you'd have an alternative that would get us to Dumbledore safe and sound."

"Well, I haven't the slightest…I thought The Dark Lord was going to-" Lucius was cut off by Severus kicking him in the shin with his steel toed dragon hide boots. Lucius turned a deathly shade of white before he let out a horrendous scream of pain. The room went quiet except for Lucius' cries of pain.

"Oh come on, what did he ever do to you?" Marianne said as she tried to calm Lucius down. "You've gone and upset him! Oh you poor dear!" Marianne forgot her uneasy suspicions about Lucius and began to soothe him by cooing at him. Severus wanted to vomit. "I won't let that mean man hurt you again!"

"He's doing it for attention," Severus grumbled.

"Am not! That genuinely hurt! All I meant to say was that, I thought that problem was being taken care of!" Lucius said through a thick sheet of tears and mucus.

"One small injury and you revert back to your childhood mentality," Severus hissed at him. "But assuming that it takes a while, Lucius, I think we should trudge on anyway and not assume that our plans are set in stone."

"Oh, I think we should camp. You know Marianne, I've never been camping," Lucius perked up instantly, the lingering mind numbing pain in his shin seemingly gone for good.

"Tragic," Marianne said dully. "I don't suppose you would know where to get a tent?"

"No," Severus snorted. "But it shouldn't be hard to find one."

"We could take the Knight Bus," Lucius suggested.

"Magical transportation, you dolt. She can't see it let alone get on it," Severus said through slit eyes. Lucius recoiled.

"You know, Severus while I was on the school board, we got a lot of complaints about you being mean to the students. I can see that now."

"I am perfectly fucking nice to my students," Severus snarled suddenly. You could insult his looks, his lack of style and his personality but you did not insult his teaching methods or his intelligence. "Now, Lucius, since you're the one with the resources, I suggest you go buy us a tent."

"Nuh-uh," Lucius said, shaking his head. "I'll buy the wrong kind. Besides, I never agreed to back this little trip financially."

"Oh yes you did. You did when you begged me to let you tag along."

"I did not beg," Lucius said, thoroughly offended. "Malfoy's don't beg."

Marianne let out a snort of laughter. Both men turned to look at her.

"Do you find something amusing, Ms. Briscoe? Perhaps you ought to share it with the rest of us?" Severus said. Marianne's eyes went big and she covered her mouth to stifle another giggle. Severus whipped out his wand and pointed it directly at her chest.

"It's his name alright? It's so…ridiculously posh and…"

"Posh is my middle name," Lucius bragged loudly.

"You aren't helping, you braggart," Severus said.

"But it is my middle name," Lucius insisted, sending Marianne howling with laughter. "What? What's so wrong with the name 'Posh'?"

"Where are the rest of you?" Marianne said, tears streaming down her cheeks. Both men looked at her, confused. "Please, please, Severus, don't tell me your middle name is Scary. I might have to legally change my middle name to Sporty!"

"What are you blathering on about?"

"You know…the Spice Girls? Popular British girl pop group?"

Blank stares. Marianne's jaw dropped, apparently shocked by this discovery.

"You've never heard of the Spice Girls? You can't be serious!"

"Oh," Lucius said suddenly. "I know who you're talking about! My son loves them! Of course, I don't approve of anything muggle but they're simply sensational and Draco just can't get enough of them!"

"Does your son have a closet?"

"Oh, a huge one, Marianne. You have not seen a closet the size of Draco's. That son of mine has too many clothes, I say. Narcissa insists on spoiling him so and sometimes I don't think he'll ever come out!"

"Fantastic," Marianne said, grinning widely. "Wonderfully fantastic. Lucius, you are just…"

"Gloriously stupid?" Severus said. "Coming out of the closet, Lucius, is a metaphor for homosexuals who decide to be open with their sexual orientation."

"Oh," Lucius said, looking confused. "_Oh. Hey!" _

Before Lucius could take the time to ponder on this offense and make it even more serious than it was, Severus found it prudent to change the subject, or rather, get back on the subject of exactly how they were planning to take this little trip. It wouldn't be easy, but if Severus could count on the Dark Lord's timing then it shouldn't take too long, just long enough to make the girl feel secure. Severus relished the idea of the Dark Lord whisking Marianne off and hurling her off a cliff somewhere. The thought and mental image made him smile.

"What?" Marianne asked. Severus snapped back into reality and glared at her.

"Nothing," he muttered. "Lucius, give me some money and I'll buy the bleeding camping equipment."

"Oh, wonderful," Lucius reached under his robes and pulled out a change purse. Severus snatched it out of his hand. "Would you mind too terribly if I asked you to buy me a hair brush? I'm afraid I forgot mine. I want the same kind Marianne uses."

Severus glared down at Lucius, not sure how to react.

"Actually, I forgot mine, you see, I was sort of not prepared for being sent here when ever I was sent here…" Marianne looked up with a sheepish smile at Severus. "Could you make it two?"

Severus could have denied her but images of her bare breast flashed into his mind and he found it quite hard to decline. Lucius on the other hand…

"I'll buy one and you'll share," he muttered as he pulled out a few coins and slammed them down on the table. "I'll be back. Stay put too, for god sakes!"

"Now, I might use this tent again so don't cheap out on it," Lucius called at his retreating back. "Get the works!"

Severus raised a hand, either in understanding or shutting the fuck uppery, he wasn't sure which.

---

Hiking, as it turned out, was not Marianne's forte. It might not have been so bad if she weren't the one stuck carrying all the camping equipment in a back pack. It was fucking heavy, so she had every right to whine.

"Couldn't you use some spell or some shit to lighten this thing," Marianne grunted. "Or better yet, why don't you fucking carry it, you asshole?"

"I told you, we aren't to use magic on this trip," Severus replied as he led the three of them into a thicket of trees. "Besides, I'm leading, Lucius bought everything so it only make sense that you carry everything since you lack any other contribution."

When Severus had purchased the camping equipment, he'd also purchased a map and planned out a route. He was the leader as he'd chosen the best route. First they traveled through a field out side of Hogsmeade. Marianne hadn't mind carrying the backpack then, it was a flat solid surface. Plus she fancied herself a rustic sort of girl who could deal with it. When they had entered the forest four hours ago, Marianne had started to grow a bit weary. Stepping over rocks and branches was doing a number on her feet and her back with the backpack that seemed to be increasing in weight with every step. Not to mention she was hungry and Severus the food Nazi was rationing out food, unfairly at that.

"He's been using his wand to levitate fucking potato chips out of the back pack for the past thirty minutes," Marianne protested as she pointed an accusing finger and Lucius who was too busy zapping bugs with his wand to really pay attention. "This is fucking bullshit! I'm sitting the fuck down and I'm taking a fucking break!"

"Very well, Lucius and I aren't stopping and are going forward, with or with out you or constant whining and nagging," Severus said with out the slightest hint of malice in his voice.

"I could use a break, Severus," Lucius said. Severus turned and Marianne placed a hand on her hip and smirked victoriously at him.

"Fine, but we're never going to make it if you ingrates keep stopping," said Severus who was glaring mutinously at Lucius.

Marianne sat down on a fallen log and sighed with relief. The offensive back pack was heaved towards Severus but not before Marianne dug a bottle of water and a bag of trail mix. Lucius was perched on a small boulder and was examining his nails with curious wonder.

"You know," Lucius said with out breaking eye contact with his fingers. "This would be the perfect place to settle down for the night."

"You're joking," Severus said.

"I am not," Lucius replied.

"I think it's a wonderful idea," Marianne contributed. "I'm tired and hungry. I want to go to sleep. We can get an early start tomorrow."

"Do either of you have any inkling as to how long this little journey is? We have to use every spare moment we can to get there!"

"It's late, Severus," Lucius replied wearily. "I'm tired and Marianne is exhausted, I'm sure. We're never going to make it to the lake before sunset never mind the mountains."

"Yeah," Marianne said with indignation. "This place is perfect to camp for the night. There's plenty of room and open air to make a fire and there's plenty of trees for cover incase it rains or something. Wait, what mountains?"

Neither Lucius nor Severus seemed to hear her. Lucius had grabbed the backpack and was trying to dig the tent out of it but Severus pulled out his wand and blasted him back.

"We aren't stopping," Severus hissed. Lucius looked up, affronted apparently, and stood, his wand pointing at Severus.

"We're stopping," Lucius whispered dramatically.

"You guys," Marianne said as she stood between the two. She looked from one to the other and tried to think of what to say to bring peace but then she realized that neither of them was above killing her to try and curse each other.

"I suggest you move, girl," Severus growled through clenched teeth. Marianne didn't need to be told twice and slunk back to her log and plopped down feeling completely dejected. This trip was a disaster already and they weren't even half way to half way she figured. She didn't dare think what might happen by the end of it. "It's early. We'll stop when I say we can."

"It's nearly seven o clock," Lucius said. "I eat every day at seven thirty and I'm not going to change my routine because you're stubborn."

"It's not seven," Severus sneered as he pulled out his pocket watch and chanced a quick glance. His face fell.

"It's seven o clock," Marianne said from her depressing log. Severus looked at her completely bewildered. Marianne merely nodded sagely at him.

"It can't be that late. This has to be wrong," Severus muttered.

"We didn't leave Hogscreed or what ever the fuck 'til noon," said Marianne. "Walking across that field took us three hours and we've been in the forest for about four hours. It's seven o clock. And if you think that for one second that I'm lugging that fucking back pack over some fucking mountains, you've got another thing coming."

"Fine," Severus sighed. "We'll camp for the night. But you're setting up the tent, Lucius."

---

It took Lucius nearly two hours to set up the tent so he didn't get to eat on time anyway, Severus thought as he stared into the camp fire. By the time Lucius had gotten it up, he was too tired to eat any way though Severus was glad they'd stopped when they did. Lucius and Marianne had gone to bed for the night and he was finally alone for the first time in what seemed to be ages. Finally time to think.

He wasn't sure why but the muggle girl, Marianne, annoyed him so or why he wanted her, well, dead. It could have been her horribly foul mouth or the way she bitched about anything and everything or perhaps it was the stupid jokes she made. Perhaps it was a combination of all of those personality traits. But when she wasn't glaring at him or making funny faces at him, she looked at him odd. He knew she said he looked just like some one she knew from where she was, so perhaps that had quite a bit to do with it but it disturbed him. No one ever looked at him that way before and what was more was that he had started to realize she bore a great resemblance to Evans, if Evans had been given a chance to age a bit more. That scared him. That scared him a shitload.

Though annoyed was his usual mood, he couldn't help but feel thoroughly irritated when the opening to the tent unzipped and Marianne crawled out in the pajamas she'd stolen from the Hospital Wing. Severus poked at the fire with a stick and ignored her as she sat next to him.

"Is it me or does sleeping on a pillow top king sized mattress sort of defeat the purpose of camping," she asked. Severus looked up at her and shook his head.

"It's what he wanted. Heaven forbid he gets a little dirt under his finger nails and in his gorgeous hair."

"The vibrating feature on it did help my back a lot and took away a lot of the tension," Marianne said with a teasing grin. Oh lord, now that he'd thought about it, she even sort of smiled the way Evans smiled. Fucking great, he thought. Just what I need. Another redhead to torture me. "Listen, I'm really sorry. We sort of bullied you into stopping and I know you want to get there so you can get rid of me."

"Oh give me a break."

"What? I really am sorry. It's just that I was so tired and that back pack was so heavy."

"Don't feed me garbage, Ms. Briscoe. I know you're just trying to appease yourself so you can sleep better at night."

"Why do you have to be that way?" Marianne frowned. "I'm just trying to be friendly."

"The last thing I need or want, Ms. Briscoe, is a friend."

"Everyone needs a friend."

"Not me," he snapped at her and stood.

"Please," Marianne grabbed his wrist, pleading with him to stay and sit. He looked sharply down at her, surprised by her touch. She let go instantly, realizing her mistake as she looked down at the ground. For some strange reason he felt compelled to stay. So, he sat, almost against his will.

They sat in front of the fire, him merely staring into it and Marianne warming her hands against it. The night had turned chilly but the fire was a provided a sufficient amount of heat.

Marianne spoke first. "I know it seems stupid, but you're a comforting presence. The only familiar face in this world."

"A comforting presence?" Severus repeated. "Are you completely mental?"

"Well, it's true! You're horribly mean and extremely nasty but when I look at you, I see some one else, and that gives me hope, hope that I'll get back home, to my life and to the people, well person, that I belong with."

If she was joking around, she was doing a good job of hiding it. She was being completely serious and what was more was that he felt sort of sorry for her. He knew what it was to feel out of place with no one around who really cared about you. He knew that feeling all too well. Ugh, what was wrong with him?

"Even so, I have no intentions of being chummy with you," he sneered. "You're lucky I'm doing this for you. You're lucky that I had just enough pity left in my body to fall for your little sob story back at Hogwarts. Do you really want to know what I think of you, Ms. Briscoe? I think you're a manipulative, stupid, immature wench who has no business being left completely unsupervised. You're worse than the first years I teach."

"Well, if it makes you feel better, than I guess," Marianne said. "And do you know what I think of you?"

"Please, as if your opinion matters to me."

"I think that you're mean to people because you don't want them getting too close to you. You're afraid of a little human companionship but I think you're desperate for approval and will do anything to get it. Sure you agreed to escort me to some one who can help me get home but I know as well as you that it wasn't done out of the kindness of your heart. You just wanted to prove to everyone that you could do something 'nice'

"And do you know what else? I think that you secretly find me attractive which is why you're such a dick to me." Marianne smiled smugly as she exhaled what ever oxygen was left in her lungs. Severus just stared coldly at her, unsure of what to say, unsure that he really had anything to say to that. Sure, it pissed him off but he had it coming, had he not? He opened his mouth but then closed it promptly. "I think you're most attractive when you have your mouth closed."

Damn it! He almost wished he'd thought of that himself. Oh, he could cut down a seventh year with his wit and sarcasm. He could bring a full grown man to tears with that sharp tongue of his and he'd be damned if he let some dimwitted woman-child out do him!

"Oh, I've gone and made you angry," Marianne said, feigning concern. "I'm sorry! I didn't realize my biting remarks could hurt some ones feelings! Well gee golly whiz, I sure have learned my lesson!"

It was a pivotal, life changing moment for Severus. He felt nothing but his instincts could guide him. His instincts told him to reach over, fire or no fire and strangle the life out of her. He'd never hurt any one who was virtually harmless.

His second instinct was to laugh. Laugh because he was crazy, perhaps, or laugh because it was genuinely funny. But there was a third instinct that was smaller than the rest but overwhelmingly alarming.

The third instinct was to once more reach over but also to tear her clothes off and fuck some sense into her. If she had any potential to be useful it would be in a sexual sense. You know, to relieve stress and tension. He hadn't been laid in ages. The Dark Lord was right. It was that primitive need to stick his prick in a moist cylindrical container that made him feel that way, he was sure of that much at least. He just wasn't sure on which instinct to follow, or which one could cause the least harm.

Gathering his wits, he raised an eyebrow at her and said, "Touché, Ms. Briscoe."

"Ugh, please stop calling me 'Ms. Briscoe,' it sounds too formal."

"Then what do you suggest I call you then?"

"Well 'Marianne' is too big a stretch for you then I'd prefer at least just Briscoe. No 'Ms' is front of it."

"I think I could manage," Severus said as he stood. "But for now, I need all the rest I can get as we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow. I suggest you follow suit."

"Is that an invitation or a command?" Marianne waggled her eyebrows at him.

"Don't be vile, Marianne," he said. He then turned and entered the tent. Marianne beamed. She found she rather liked it when he called her by her first name. She'd won that battle at least.

* * *

**Review or die, mother fucker, mother fucker, review or die, or I'll mutha fuckin' kill you...- P. Diddy South Park Style mixed with FFnet Review Pleas. **


End file.
